One year later ++

One year later.

Hey guys, how are you doing? I'm fine. well, i'm think i'm fine. So for this entry, i will talk about how amazingly things change after one year. So many thing happened and change in my life but i never had time to really think about it and move on.

You guys still remember right one of my entry when i told you guys that i lost my first love that day. Well, after one year, i'm good now. I think sooo...

To be very honest, i'm not okay for the first and second month. Trust me, i tried so hard "to be okay" be i can't. too many memories and too many sadness that makes me suffocate from moving on with my life. But i know i have to and i need to move on. Hard... Really hard.

First Love...
Sapalah aku nak tipu kalau benda tu tak sakit. walaupun aku kebanyakkan nya berpura-pura sendiri, tapi sakitnya hingga ke tulang belakang. Pedih and susah nak ubat. Sepanjang proses tu aku banyak bagi tahu diri, "this is the best way" "i need to be happy too" so aku terima ketentuannya dah kuatkan diri. Malam benda tu jadi, aku nangis mcm apa. Masa aku tulis entry tu pun aku nanges mcm apa. Masa aku balik rumah and tengok keadaan sekeliling, aku nangis mcm apa. BUT, after that aku dah tak nangis. Malam-malam bila aku sunyi, aku tak nangis. Malam-malam bila aku baca mesej-mesej dia, aku tak nangis and surprisingly, bila kawan-kawan aku mention pasal dia aku tak nangis.

Why? i dont know. Maybe dalam diri aku pun dah tahu yang aku dah cuba sedaya upaya, and its time to let go.. Forever..

When i told one of my close friend, dia marah aku. Dia suruh aku try lagi and jangan give up. Dia support aku tp aku rasakan dia mcm salahkan aku bila hubungan dia dengan first love renggang. Hati aku pedih masa tu tapi aku tahan. Sebab no way aku akan buat mcm dia nak. Aku pun ada hati and perasaan kan?

Day by day aku bertahan. Aku belajar memaafkan. Aku belajar untuk hidup dengan diri aku sahaja. cakap dalam hati "so what if im alone?" Bukan tak biasa pun selama ni. Perasaan ni aku simpan dalma hati. Aku tak bercakap dengan sesapa pun pasal ni. Even with my best friend. But some how, this one guy macam dapat teka perasaan aku dari twitter aku. Dia mcm dapat rasa apa yang aku rasa. dan untuk itu aku bersyukur sangat. Dia bagi aku kata-kata semangat untuk move on. Memang aku akan ingat sampai bila-bila..


but niat baik kawan aku ni di salah anggap dan aku dimarahi. Masa tu aku memang pikir aku tak boleh beritahu sesapa hal ni lagi and bergantung pada diri sendiri. Banyak hati aku kena jaga and banyak perasaan aku kena pertimbangan kan. So aku belajar untuk simpan semuanya dalam hati. and i'm moving on from that day..

Next phase when i told my mother. Dia okay je but dia pesan jadilah kawan. Don't lose your friend just because you can't love him anymore. dan aku ikot apa dia cakap. Aku ikot apa mak aku pesan. Pada mulanya memang aku just nak kawan gitu-gitu je. but i know kami berdua memang saling memahami antara satu sama lain. Macam aku buat alasan nak kawan dengan dia kan? But trust me, deep down in my heart apa yang ada sekarang hanyalah PERSAHABATAN. No more love, no more dreams and no more forever.

Take care. :(

A Better life...

life...

Ahhh... long time no see kot. This blog ingatkan dah berabuk berasap dah. sorry sorry. HAHA.

So, how everyone? sihatkah? baikkah? dah putus cinta kah? HAHAHA

ME? I'm fine. currently aku baru habis internship kat sebuah syarikat ni. semua okay. semua baik. aku pun baru balik kedah dr hantar report and jumpa gee and aina. InsyaALLAH, If takde pape, next year aku graduate! Yeay! HAHAHA.

Aku just nak bg tahu je yang my life now much much better dr keadaan masa aku start tulis blog ni.
*whisper* aku start blog ni sbb putus cinta. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oklah, since dah habis intern, aku duduk rumah je now. ada mohon juga, tapi tengoklah nanti. ada rezeki, adalah kerja. kalau tak duduk rumah jelah. Malas nak pikir apa-apa. Aku penat dah. hehe.

Aku rasa aku jadi lebih matang now since banyak benda dah terjadi and berubah. Aku ingat nak ubah hidup aku, tp aku tak mampu pd masa ini. Tunggulah nanti. ada rezeki, aku nak mengorak langkah lebih jauh. hehe. 

Aku still single. *gediks* saja nak bagitahu. Malas nak sayang orang lately. Sayang orang real pun kena tinggal, sayang baekhyun pun kena tipu and gd pun sama so yeah. Nasib ada luhanie yg comel tuuuu. oh my baby deer. hahaha.

Aku now addicted dgn fanfics btw. Oh god, KAISOO HUNHAN TAORIS AND SULAY JUST THE BEST COUPLE EVER!! (Why tak sebut baekyeol? Eurmmm, who is baekhyun? lol *mode patah hati*) But believe me yeol! I SARANG <3 YOU!! <3<3


Okaylah ni je nak share for now. Nak tgk roommate season 2 yang bosan ni. Bye guys. :)

Take care :)

Behind these 'Black' eyes.

Hey there! It's been a long time since my last update. How are you guys? Anyone miss me? Hehe. So here i am TRYING to update my blog again after thousand years. LOL. So today, i would like to share a song with you guys. Do you ever heard 'Behind These Hazel eyes' by kelly clackson? Well, that song is one of my favorite song. You know those lyrics like they are written for me and my little pathetic love story. Yup, PATHETIC. so, now, i will share these song with you guys. Enjoy! :) 

BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES. :')

Seems like just yesterday

You were a part of me

I used to stand so tall

I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight

Everything, it felt so right

Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out

For hating you, I blame myself

Seeing you it kills me now

No, I don't cry on the outside

Anymore

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes

P/S : Love, this is for you. The pain you cause me sometime leave me hanging and suffocate to breathe anymore. I do not blame you for anything but sometimes i wish you are THE ONE for me. and when you keep proving to me how wrong i am, to be honest disappointed is understatement. So yeah, i try to conceal my heart and guard them with every little pieces i have from constantly loving you. I LOVE YOU. But, i'm afraid love. I'm afraid. Deep down, i know i can''t continue to love you anymore, to care for you anymore bc you hurt me so much. So much even every breathe i takes with your name on it, its kills me. :'(  

TAKE CARE, LOVE. :')

BATTLE SCAR..

Hey there. so yeah nak post my current emotion. Turun naik kan? Well this song part lyrics dia memang kena tepat dengan my love life yg mati segan hidup tak mahu ni. hehe. So, Enjoy. :) 

Hope the wound heals but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
You're at war with love, yeah


These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...


Never let a wound ruin me
But I feel like ruin's wooing me
Arrow holes, they never close from Cupid on a shooting spree
Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me
But when you're trying to beat the odds up
Been trying to keep your nods up
And you know that you should know
And let her go
But the fear of the unknown
Hold another lover strong
Sends you back into the zone
With no Tom Hanks to bring you home
A lover not a fighter
On the front line with a poem
Trying to write yourself a rifle
Maybe sharpen up a stone
To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone

I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched
I wish that I could stop loving you so much
Cause I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over (never be over) until you tell me it's over


These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...



(Then just leave then)
You shouldn't have but you said it
(And I hope you never come back)
It shouldn't have happened but you let it
Now you're down on the ground screaming medic
The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses
Shields, body armors and vests don't properly work
That's why you're in a locker full of hurt
The enemy within and all the fires from your friends
The best medicine's to probably just let it win



I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it'll never be over, until you tell me it's over

[Hook: Guy Sebastian]
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle...

Cause you set me on fire
I've never felt so alive, yeah

No, hoping wounds heal, but it never does
That's because you're at war with love

And I'm at the point of breaking
And it's impossible to shake it (yeah)

See, you hoped the wound heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
Hope it heals, but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love!


These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
I ain't ever gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
I ain't never gonna change
These battle...

P/s : I'm losing it right? This battle of love between reality and my heart.. I'm not strong and i don't know how long i can survive. Take care. :'(

I can't..

I can't by 4MEN

Because you were seeing an unworthy person

Because you were with a difficult person

Because I hadn’t given you anything

I don’t have the courage to let you go

*I can’t, I can’t live without you, I’d die without you

I can’t, I would die without you

I can’t live without you, how could I go on?

Because there were so many days that I was sorry

I regretted it to death

I only wanted to give you happy memories

Don’t you feel that our love’s being wasted?

I didn’t know then how much you loved me

If you were going to do this, you should have left earlier

Why won’t you leave my sight?

I just want to live normally, but I can’t..

My favorite song right now. Take care :")

Crooked..

Crooked by Gdragon. 

My feelings after all of this... 

Nothing ever lasts forever
In the end, you changed
There is no reason, no sincerity
Take away such a thing as love
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one, everything is meaningless
Take away the sugar-coated comfort
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

I scream and get dizzy
I vent out of boredom to other couples
I start fights for no reason like a town gangster
Sometimes, I purposely shake my leg, crookedly
The main characters of the movie called this world is you and me
A lonely island, lost and wandering
The empty streets are filled with those who are alone
Unlike my heart, the weather is so damn nice

I used to believe in you alone and I was happy
But like a joke, I am left alone
You used to promise me with your pinky finger
But in the end

Nothing ever lasts forever
In the end, you changed
There is no reason, no sincerity
Take away such a thing as love
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one, everything is meaningless
Take away the sugar-coated comfort
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

I’ll put on thick eyeliner, use a whole can of hairspray
Leather pants, leather jacket with a frown
I want to hide my pain and become even more crooked
So you can feel sorry, I’ll spit toward the sky
You’re scared of my crude words and my rough eyes
But actually, I’m afraid, I want to go back but I have nowhere to go
I want to love but no one to love, what am I supposed to do?
I can’t turn it back

I used to believe in you alone and I was happy
But like a joke, I am left alone
You used to promise me with your pinky finger
But in the end

Nothing ever lasts forever
In the end, you changed
There is no reason, no sincerity
Take away such a thing as love
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one, everything is meaningless
Take away the sugar-coated comfort
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Will you not say anything for me tonight?
I didn’t know being alone would be this hard (I miss you)
Will you be my friend tonight?
On this good day, this beautiful day, this day where I miss you
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Take care :')

If i knew...

 If I knew it would be the last time..

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. 

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. 

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. 

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming, you would know I do. 

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.